Building a healthy relationship with yourself and with others

Take a moment. Let that sink in, “Don’t wait till it’s perfect. Do it now!” If you’re like me, you think that you have to have all your ducks in a row, all of your I’s dotted and all of your T’s crossed, but guess what, NO YOU DON’T! You’ve heard the expression, “You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.” That is so true.

I can’t tell you how many opportunities I missed out on because I was too focused on making sure everything was perfect. Is anything ever really “perfect”? One of the biggest mistakes I was making, and still make, is I would look at people who are where I aspire to be, and think to myself, “OMG! I am nowhere near where they are” and self-doubt would creep in, but truth be told, if we could go back in time and take a look at those same people when they were where we are now, we might not be as impressed. So, with that said, yes, it’s great to have examples to aspire to, but don’t allow those examples to make you feel like you don’t have what it takes to be successful. You do have it. You just need to get started. Don’t wait till it’s perfect. Do it now!

I just read this post by Trent Shelton and I thought to myself, “Well Said!” So instead of me writing a post on the subject, I am going to share Trent’s words.

“Love doesn’t come with excuses. If someone wants to be with you they’re not going to create excuses about why they can’t. If someone wants to be with you, THEY WILL BE WITH YOU it’s that simple. Why are you sweating someone who’s BARLEY worried about you? Why are you losing your mind over somebody who’s BARLEY thinking about you? Why are you putting in your time on someone who BARELY has time for you? It’s pointless. You need to reevaluate your worth if you think BARELY is what you deserve! Straight up. If you can love “BARELY” that much, just imagine how GREAT it would feel to be with someone who wants you just as much as you want them. Stop wasting your life holding on to somebody who’s BARELY putting any effort to hold on to you. You’re putting your hope into someone you know will leave you hopeless. Think about that. They got your heart in a layaway that they’re BARELY making payments on. They do JUST ENOUGH to give you hope. JUST ENOUGH to keep you holding on. They do just enough to keep you off the market so nobody else can see your value. Because they know if somebody else sees it then they’ll lose you forever. They know they get by with BARELY, so that’s what they’re giving you. Someone doesn’t BARELY call you because they miss you, they do it because they’re bored. Someone doesn’t BARELY spend time with you because they miss you, they only do it because they’re bored. I hope this hurts enough to make you change…You’re their last resort to save them from boredom. And you’re voluntarily placing your life on hold for that? For BARELY? When they ain’t making NO REAL effort to make you theirs? I’m telling you it isn’t as hard to let go once you realize what you’re holding on to isn’t REAL. And I’ll leave you with this, You can’t make somebody stay from where they wanna leave, and you can’t keep someone away from where they want to be.” ~ Trent Shelton

This morning when I heard of Stuart Scott’s passing, it brought tears to my eyes. Although I didn’t know him personally, it felt like I knew him. He had a bigger than life presence. Even if you weren’t a sports’ fan, you knew Stuart Scott.

As I reflect on what I know about Stuart’s life, I can’t help but think about how our life is our message to the world. Some people live a life that saddens you when they are no longer here (even if you didn’t know them personally) and others live a life that makes you feel a sense of relief when they are gone. Some people live a life that inspires and some people live a life that disheartens or discourages. Stuart was definitely one who inspired.

I once read a quote that reads something like, “Don’t strive to make your presence noticed, live to make your absence felt.” I could compile a long list of items to help us along this journey called life, but here are a few that come to mind:

  • Be Kind – Kindness is perhaps the greatest gift you can give yourself and others.
  • Be Authentic – You can’t be inspiring to yourself or others if you are not being true to yourself.
  • Do What Is Right – At the end of the day, you must be able to look at yourself in the mirror and feel good about who you are.
  • Give Back – We are at our best, when we are helping others.
  • Be Grateful – Gratitude changes everything. Embracing gratitude will change your focus to the positive.
  • Be Mindful – Recognize that your actions have implications and consequences, not just for you, but for others.
  • Let Go Of Ego – It keeps you from being humble and appreciative and it serves no greater purpose outside of self.

Your life is your message to the world. Make sure it is inspiring.

A friend shared this article with me and I wanted to share it with you. I once dated someone who was clearly a sociopath. Check out the signs in this article

I woke up asking myself the question, “What do I want to write about on this first day of the new year? I had no answer. There was no message I wanted to send, no thoughts I had in mind, and no feelings in my heart. I decided to read one of my books of quotes. This book has a lot of amazing quotes, but as I was going from page to page, allowing the words to guide me, there were some quotes that stood out a lot more than others, quotes about the Universe. I read somewhere that, “Whatever is happening in the Universe is by the will and permission of God.”

This book has a lot of great quotes and the majority are not about the Universe, so I found it “interesting” that on this first day of the new year I’m being guided to talk about the Universe. Now, keep in mind, although I am “guided” to talk about the Universe, I have NO idea what my words will be. I will literally be free writing this blog.

Here are three quotes that grabbed (it really felt like they were grabbing) my attention:

“Sometimes signs from the Universe can be so cleat that it seems unrealistic, so we brush it off and call it a coincidence, when we really should change the definition of coincidence to say: signs from the Universe.”

“When you are focusing on something in your life, your thoughts send out energy and waves. These energies and waves are creating life as you know it. The Universe cannot tell the difference between if you want something to happen, or you do not want something to happen, it just responds. Want to know what you’ve been focusing on? Look around your life.”

“Imagine the Universe is like a river – when you want something so badly, it is like trying to force the Universe to flow in a certain way. What you need to do is let it go, take a ride on the river, and see where it takes you. You can choose the boat in which you ride; you can choose when to jump onboard, but you cannot change the flow of the river; it is too powerful!”

One definition of the word Universe is “a systematic whole held to arise by and persist through the direct intervention of divine power.” The direct intervention of divine power. Wow! Our journey isn’t always a straight journey. Sometimes it is full of detours, roadblocks, curves (sharp curves), hills (steep hills), valleys (very low valleys), one lane roads (only one car can get through at a time), and rough terrain (you need a Humvee to maneuver this terrain), but whatever the divine power has for us, that’s what will be.

Sometimes the Universe will send us things that we assume are coincidences. You have been pondering over something, seeking an answer, and later that day or week, a total stranger says something to you that answers that very thing you’ve been pondering over. You have been struggling with trying to remove yourself from a situation, and lo and behold, something happens that creates total chaos in that situation. I want to focus a little on the word chaos. Change rarely ever happens without chaos. I can write an entire blog on that right there, but I will save that for later. Just let that marinate for a second…change rarely happens without chaos…a disruption.

What we focus on is what we bring into our lives. Our thoughts send out energies and waves. If you want to know what you’ve been focusing on, look around your life. What we put out into the Universe is what manifests into our lives. Now, please don’t confuse this with my previous comment about “whatever the divine power has for us, that’s what will be.” Sometimes our thoughts and our focus bring certain things (good and/or bad) into our lives.

The Universe is like a river. Just like we cannot control the flow of the river, we cannot control the Universe. It is too powerful. Sometimes, the more you try to do that thing that you wanted to do, or thought you wanted to do, the more turmoil you experience, the more resistance you encounter, the more dissension you have in your life, the more chaos you have in your life (there’s that word chaos again). If you start to pay attention to those “coincidences” in your life and pay attention to patterns that tend to repeat themselves over and over again (until we get what the Universe is trying to tell us, patterns will repeat themselves), you will see that it’s the Universe guiding you to where you are supposed to be. You can try to fight it, but it is way too powerful!

“I believe nothing happens by mistake. You know, the universe has a divine plan.” ~ Lana Del Rey

If you are easily offended or overly sensitive, stop reading now. (I don’t why people say stop reading now because that seems to encourage people to want to read. LOL)

I recently read a quote, “When a woman is loved correctly, she becomes ten times the woman she was before.” I like that quote. It reminds me of Fabolous’s song, “You make Me Better”. Some of the lyrics are, “I’m a movement by myself, but I’m a force when we’re together. I’m good all by myself, but you make me better.” So I read the quote and then I read the comments below the quote. As I was reading the comments, I got a little irritated. I read woman after woman after woman talk about as long as they have love for God and themselves, they don’t need a man. Now, I have been attending church my entire life and I don’t think I have ever heard a pastor/preacher say, “As long as you love God, you don’t need a mate.”

Now here’s where I warn you one more time, if you are easily offended, stop reading.

So I reading the comments, and I am getting irritated, and I am getting irritated because there seems to be a mindset that exists with some women (not all) that they don’t need a man. Now see, I believe it is Genesis 2:18 (NIV) that states, “The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” And I believe it is Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NIV) that states, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!” And I believe it is Proverbs 18:22 (NIV) that states, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” Somewhere along the way, some women (not all) believe that as long as they love God and themselves, they don’t need a mate. As a Christian and a believer, I place high value on my relationship with God and my love for God and I place high value on my love for myself, but that does not mean that I don’t need a mate.

So what irritated me is that some of those same women (not all) are the ones who only call on God when they are in the heat of the moment. So what irritated me is that some of those women are the same ones who have a girls’ night out and you can’t tell the difference between the way they are dressed and how the lady working the streets are dressed. What irritated me is that some of those same women will be sitting in church sending a text message to the man who is sitting on the next pew with his family talking about how much it hurts her to see him in church with his wife. What irritated me is that some of those same women are the very ones trying to convince their friends that they need to leave their man (because you know misery loves company). Now please don’t think I am passing judgment on anyone. I live in a glass house, so I am definitely not throwing stones. I am simply making an observation.

I get it, a lot of women have bought into the myth that there are 8 women for every one man. Well according to 2013 U.S. Census data, for every one 18 year-old man in the United States, there’s 1.8 women. Yes, some areas in the U.S. have a higher concentration of women and some have a higher concentration of men (I know some of you are going to go look up those areas. LOL). As someone who grew up in the church and church still is a very important part of my life, one thing I have observed is that church people (some, not all) can be the most judgmental, hypocritical, sit up on a high horse people that I know. Church folks expect perfection from others when they, themselves, aren’t perfect. A Christian woman expects a perfect man. So let me get this straight, you aren’t perfect, but you are EXPECTING God to send you a perfect man? We are all flawed people. Wait, wait, I cannot forget about those who focus more on the packaging. You want him to be 6 feet tall, physically fit, pearly white teeth, and a nice smile because it is all about the packaging. I get that you have to be attracted to your mate, but I have met a few women who are with the love of their lives and some have told me that he wasn’t what they were looking for, but he was exactly what they needed. Can you imagine if they had just focused on the packaging – they would have missed their blessing. So the purpose of this blog entry is to say to you, loving God and loving yourself is very important, but don’t allow that to stop you from seeing that “When a woman is loved correctly, she becomes ten times the woman she was before.”

Today, the preacher asked the question, “What’s cluttering your temple?” I began to ponder the answer to that question. Clutter could be fear, disappointment, relationships with people we should have let go of a long time ago, financial burdens, a job, old habits, etc. Pondering the answer led me to thinking about intentions vs actions. Many of us have good intentions, but we still do not ACT on those intentions. Do you think God sees our intentions or our actions? Do you think the people we hurt see our intentions or our actions? Do you think our boss sees our intentions or our actions? It means nothing if you say I didn’t intend to do this or that. It means nothing if you want to be different, but never do what it takes to make change happen in your life. As the preacher said today, “Inner change must take place before we have outward transformation.” We continue to have turmoil in our life because we fail to cleanse the clutter. My pastor often says, the devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy. The devil is subtle. The devil uses fear to keep you from going where God wants you to go. The devil tries to keep you tied to those things that are not good for your temple (e.g., people, habits you need to stop, behaviors that are displeasing to God, etc.). I want to go back to the word “transformation”. The word transformation means an act, process, or instance of transforming or being transformed or a complete or major change. You cannot change for the better, you cannot declutter your temple if you do not go through an internal transformation. Ask yourself, “What’s cluttering my temple?” and then ask yourself, “Am I willing to do the actions required to declutter my temple, to truly have a transformation?”


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